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It’s Back….

I’m ok.  Do not worry.  I’m taking care of myself, but sometimes the weight of my work causes my knees to buckle and I am in one of those times.  As I write this, I just stepped off the tennis court where I just played a kid half my age and I …. wait for it…. got spanked.  I deserved it and while I was there, I was thinking about this revelation I had today concerning this blog about my depression.  I needed to exercise, that is one of my coping mechanisms, but my head was not in it.  In fact, my head is not in anything these days.  I can barely sleep, and this leads to me barely concentrating during the day.  But good times do not last, and neither do bad times and I will plow through this.  No cause for alarm…. I know what I am doing, and I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.  Ok humor is returning…. good sign.

By way of this blog I want to apologize to my ex-wife, kids, extended family and friends.  When I get like this it may appear that I think less of you, but I think less of myself.  That’s how this darkness works on me and this was my big revelation today because someone I really like is seeing this for the first time and I am sabotaging this relationship.  Again not because of what I think of her, but because of what I think of me and hurt people, hurt people.   I hurt her this week and I may end up losing her.  This is what the darkness does.

Side note:

My heart goes out to anyone who goes through this and is self-medicating with drugs or alcohol.  I will be celebrating 25 years of sobriety this year and could not even begin to think what this all would be like if I was still drinking.  A special prayer goes out to those battling mental illness and addictions.  I am rooting for you.

The only time I really feel in complete control of my life is when I am up on stage telling my story and encouraging folks to get help.  The darkness goes away when I am busy on the road fulfilling my purpose in life, but I am about to enter my slow season and I must be mindful of my mental health status.  It’s sort of easy to know when I am going down as I have trouble sleeping.  The irony of all this is I am about to write an article on the importance of sleep for on the job safety and I may be doing it at 2:00 in the morning when I’m up.

A bible study buddy warned me to be on my guard as I got into this mental health arena as I may be under attack from the enemy and that is what this feels like.  I got this awesome gift from God in the form of this wonderful person in my life…we literally met coming out of church…and I’m about to push her aside.  Again, not because I don’t like her…. she is an absolute treasure, but because I don’t like me at the moment.  Those three words are very important…at the moment, because I truly believe this will pass.  Good chance I will be alone when it passes, but it will pass.

The biggest takeaway for you reading this is simple.  If the darkness overcomes you, have a plan for getting out of it.  I plan on exercising more, eating better, and the good Lord willing, sleeping better.  I’m exhausted tonight because of the tennis played, and I almost blew it off, but I know better.  Showing up is half the battle.  Another takeaway from this vulnerability blog is if you are around someone going through something like this, do not take it personally.  The person they hate the most is themselves and they are working through that.  They may lash out at you because it’s convenient, but the real enemy is in the mirror….at the moment.


Me fulfilling my purpose:

#mentalhealth #suicideprevention #youmatter