This year I will celebrate the 2nd anniversary of my turning 50 years of age and I’m cool with that because there is really only one other choice besides aging! And I recently stopped saying I’m approaching the 12 anniversary of my 40th birthday, so I am making progress. Speaking of 40’s this blog is for you kids as YOU prepare you to cross this big milestone. If you are dreading crossing over, remember 50 is the new 40 and the goal is to outlive Keith Richards. So here are a couple of tips for you punks approaching your 50thbirthday.
Celebrate the crap out of turning 50. You made it and I know some of the crazy things you all did as teenagers and beyond. Heck, some of you were doing stupid, life-threatening things just last week. Keep it up and remember tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Celebrate 50 and embrace it. Warning—you do not recover from hangovers like you used to.
You will be getting an AARP card—fact. They know when you were born and just deal with it. Some of my friends were a little peeved when the red card of old people showed up, and one of them commented he could not believe they knew his birthday. Have we not learned anything from the Edward Snowden affair? Every agency in and around the government knows your age and due to what we put up on social media they now know where you vacation and what you ate while there. If this does not convince you to keep the card, remember this—-every time you go to Dunkin Donuts and get a large coffee (is there another size?) because you are an AARP member you get a free doughnut! When I ask for the free doughnut I always hope they card me. I want the DD worker to say something like “There is no way you are 50! I need to see some ID”. Unfortunately, this has not happened yet, and I walk away from the counter feeling old then I remember this little fact: I just got a free doughnut! The sugar rush from the doughnut cures the blues and helps me crash just in time for my nap later.
Give up on your body healing. Seriously—healing is a concept for the younger generations. If something hurts when you turn 50, figure out a way to work around it. The only way I can forget about my foot hurting is if my shoulder hurts more. That’s how it works when you get older. And here is another concept to get your head around as you get older—I don’t know why my foot and shoulder hurt. They just do. When you were younger and you woke up and your leg hurt, you could remember exactly what happened to make your leg hurt. When you turn 50 it will feel like someone breaks into your house when you are sleeping and beats the tar out of you with a baseball bat. You will have pain of unknown origin and the simplest move can send you to the ER. I do know some peers who went to grab something from the back seat of their car, something heavy like a business card and have torn their rotator cuffs. Saw a good man go down tying his shoes. And I hear from my friends who are 60 it just gets worse. Accept it and carry painkillers on you at all times….or move to Colorado.
Good news—-when you turn 50 you really stop caring about what other people think and it’s awesome. I recently showed up for a tennis match and nothing about my outfit matched including my socks. Sure the wife was mortified, but I truly did not care and it was very liberating. Now I don’t even have to worry about what I wear to my future matches because my wife now lays my outfits on the bed like I am going to kindergarten, so I have that going for me. Seriously when you turn 50 you truly do not give a rat’s ass what people think and it is a beautiful thing. That fun fact alone makes it worth the trip.
So there are a couple of quick tips for you kids approaching the big 5-0. Just writing this blog I feel like John Candy in the movie splash when he says “Hiya, boys. C’mon in – the water’s fine!”
The water at 50 is fine—-and so are you! You made it now go get your free doughnut.